dear blog

dear blog, you are the only one i have to talk to today. and i am not coping very well. the sadness has sunk into me, deep. the tears that stream my cheeks are hot and scar my smile lines. the unorganization of thoughts and feelings is more than a single mind can hold for long. how do i put the past behind me and move forward, is there such a thing? i will never have my own life again, tied and tethered to the past.  now with responsibilities that climb like ladder rungs reaching into the sky. my heart broken and unable to feel. i cannot trust and i cannot enjoy affection. starved people who are ravished can never be satisfied. and if you like me for a second to long you too may begin to care too deeply and see what a mess i am. a lonely child of a mess that is a mother and a disappointment unto herself. the things i have to deal with are heavy and mostly like quick sand, one lil step and the sinking begins. trouble is what they say when they see me, trouble is what i bring. i have rarely had rest and peace in my heart and a calm river is not my under current. beauty and rage tangle in art that wants freedom. but despondency is the shore on which i lie. please dont ask me to make a decision, or plan anything dear blog, you are silent and want only my words to fill your blank spaces. you cannot see my body or be tempted by my eyes, the lingering smell of my perfume does nothing for you, and your judgement does not exist, your advice does not need to be ignored and you know my feelings are fleeting and sometimes pass like the midnight storm.