the crooked christmas

it is christmas night and i just sat down. breathing into the waves of of my belly, looking for that pain.  is there a day coming when i wont feel it, gnawing at me. flashbacks and moments of longing cross my mind, but i want to focus on relaxing those tired muscles that carried the hopes and dreams of christmas! troubled by my overall feeling disappointment. i hear it in my moms voice, her slighted words. i try to brush aside the utter despair i feel that im letting my loved ones down. i have let myself down in alot of ways too. sometimes i think of how this is worked into my body. and more importantly how i can work it out. there is complexity on so many levels. i rage with sickness and i donot know the cause. i am being overly dramatic for poetic value but there iei challenge myself to change and things have changed for me so much in a short time, that i walk with a kink in my spine. in other words i still need to straighten it out.