i feel so slow. swallowed up and unsure. fatigued, almost with grief. distance might be the only remedy between us. but i sigh heavily, feeling the weighed down reality that has become 'my life'. Once again i hide in darkness and in shadows that were not Baptised outta me on sight. i want to feel freedom, i want to feel the sea, i want to tremble and remember what it feels like when a wave washes over me. I feel heavy and alone, my joy my children my heaviest bone. it breaks and mends a thousand times over. i was rushing into love, so hard and so fast with blindness that leveraged my judgement and fragments have stripped me clear. i breath in the air it is sweet with my childrens voices, and yet turmoil rumbles in my mind. no escape no freedom no future, not truth, but i am scared 99% of the time. that might be why i think of my family so much, my mom my dad my grammy, i miss them all the time. being an only child has also been on my mind, no more pain, or constriction but the pools of the past drown me. there doesnt seem to be many places for this sadness to go. so i write it out.
"humpty dumpty sat on the wall, humpty dumpty took a great fall, all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty together again"